The fifth week since we arrived in Cincinnati ended, and with it the 4th week of the autumn term is about to end on Tuesday. This means two observations: firstly, there are approximately two months until the term ends, and hopefully we'll fly back home to meet you (the readers), and secondly, that my two classes had their first midterm this week. As you will see in the next paragraphs, both observations are closely related.
The two midterms ended with a rather disappointing (for me) average of ~70, but there is a huge difference in the distribution. The more mature class had a nice bell-curve, which means that the average is representative, the students are relatively working with me, only that they didn't have enough time to finish the test, so I gave them a nice 8 points bonus. In the second, younger class, there were actually two bell-curves. One between 80-100 and the other between 30-60. The class was roughly equally distributed between the two. This fact coincides with the feeling I have in that class that only half of the students are paying attention and making their homework on their own (i.e. not copying from the other half). In this case no bonus is needed, only a harsh motivation talk, something I always hated to do, and have never really understood why people need it.
I guess that I'm not supposed to take it personally if some students prefer not to study, especially if they are young and immature as my younger class is. They are only sophomores (19 years old, second year). Nonetheless, I find teaching frustrating. I think that I don't reach the majority of my students. I will not be their "teacher for life" as some of my undergraduate professors were. I don't know why it is so important to me; perhaps it is because I want to excel in anything I do, which is obviously ridiculous. Another explanation can be that I invest so much time and energy in this teaching that the feedback simply does not replenish my batteries. I feel drained, sapped of energy. And if that is the case, perhaps academic life is not for me: I will always have to teach some class of undergrads if I choose to become a scholar, and they will always be young and immature.
There is another thing that seems a possible problem in academic life. I've never spent time in academia until now. I was either a full-time undergraduate student, too busy to finish my degree, or a part-time external graduate student, scurrying back to work when class is over. I haven't had time to look and see how these professors live and work. What I see now may not be representative, but if it is then the career of a professor is not for me. It is a lonely and insulate life, where it is both acceptable and expected from you to spend your day alone, doing your research but otherwise having no contact with the other world. It is so different than the life I had in my previous work, and I really don't like this change. I didn't imagine it to be like that. I thought that academic research calls for synergy between researchers and departments; there are so many labs that advertise themselves for doing so. I now understand that these are not the representative cases of academic life. Kelly tries to organize such laboratories, perhaps feeling that something is missing too, and possibly something will come out of these endeavors. In the mean time, all of them seem too pompous and audacious, and generally out of reach. I miss interacting with people, idle talks, friendships. I doubt academic life has room for such behavior, and if it doesn't than this life is not for me.
And if academic life is not for me, than one of the main goals of this journey is seriously questioned. The reasons for returning to school and studying for a Ph.D., leaving behind life, family, friends, and a good job, were to seek other alternatives; to open doors. I wanted to see if I can enjoy academic life, and enable new opportunities to work. The former goal will probably not be achieved, and the latter will take too much time to achieve, time that with the current difficulties seems infinite. As I said earlier, I feel sapped of energy. Is it the time to give up and acknowledge my defeat? D says it is not, and that it will get better once I start to study myself. But, frankly, she is the only thing I have here, the rest of my life is back in Tel Aviv, and she is here only because it was MY dream to come here.
D herself is so busy these day that she went out only once this weekend, to buy more stationary at Staples. It was a half-an-hour business-focused relief from her endless studies. Today she hasn't left the house at all. I think she got off her seat only to go to the restrooms or get water. We did go out on Thursday though, meeting a team of soft-ball players after their game, thanks to the invitation of the only student I had met in Cincinnati during my visit in April. We drank beer, if Bud-light can qualify for that, and I know most of you will agree that this pee-colored / flavored sparkling beverage does not. At least we got to meet someone who happens to live in our building. As all Americans, he is nice to chat with, provided that the talk has little substance and even less intentions for the future. Believe it or not, this was the highlight of our week. I also walked today to Hyde Park Square and back just to have my body do something other than sitting.
In addition the weather turned cooler this weekend. Yesterday the temperatures dropped at night to 1 Celsius, and frost alert was issued. I think that the weather this week was somewhat similar to the weather we have in Tel Aviv in January: around 20 degrees during the day, 10 or below in the night, with alternating days of sun and rain. This is only the beginning of fall, it will get worse.
Summary:
- Frustration.
- Acadmic choice a mistake?
- Mood-o-meter - low 30s, like the temperature in Farenheit.
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