Weekly Summary: Uncertainty

The past two weeks have been very busy for both D and I. They were so busy that we barely had time to anything, including the weekly update of last week, which has been turned to weekly thought (actually, two thoughts). As a result our lives are dull. We don't do much that isn't directly related to work/studies, and both of us are nervous, stressed out, and basically fed up with this situation. We are looking forward to the end of the quarter and to the (too short) spring break, which will come in about a month from now. The plans are basic: get away from Cincinnati for a short while, probably to the Chicago area. Chicago is the "big city" around here, and when I say around I mean it in the broadest possible meaning; it's about 500 Km from here.

The stress, long hours, work, and studies have a great toll on D. She has been feeling unwell for the entire quarter so far, with two waves of the flu, and a stomach bug. I think that the basic problem is that she doesn't have enough time to rest and relax and so get stronger. Naturally, the continuous deteriorated health, accompanied by the stress of studies and work, and the short light hours of a northern latitude, have all combined to bring down her mood, and mine as well (though I am not ill). The previous Friday was a breaking moment for both of us, as both of us feel that we don't get a benefit equal to our efforts here (specifically the mental). This was the first time we talked about it, and I think that both of us agree that Cincinnati is not meeting our needs at the moment. The question is: what now? D's studies are short relative to mine, and her internship in the summer may prove to be a change in the entire atmosphere (certainly, less stress). We decided to wait for the fall before making further decisions. In any case, I will not abandon my position here before the summer. D's studies will end a quarter after the internship, so if we decide in the fall to leave here, we will be here until the spring, which probably makes it next summer (i.e. a year and a half from now). This is how the train will continue rolling, and, anyway, we still don't know what to do next. Shall we return to Israel? Shall we try our luck somewhere else? And if so, where? Seattle? Boston? The Bay Area?

My studies feel a bit strange to me at the moment. I can't attend the lessons themselves, because I teach at the same time. I am left to study from the posted lectures and the book. So far, my grades have been good, but I fear that they might drop sharply from now on, as there are some concepts that I don't quite understand, or rather: don't have a feeling for. This means that I can't crosscheck my work using "common sense". Next quarter I will not take any classes, as I can't find something that really interests me and coincides with my time. Instead, I will concentrate on research (while still teaching the same two courses I teach this quarter). It should be a much easier time, with less stress for me (and still a lot of work and stress for D). Will my studies really get me anywhere? I have a suspicion that if I choose to transfer to another university in the States, it will probably not accept a course done in the University of Cincinnati.

The heavy toll on our life starts to burden our bodies as well. Both of us have been gaining weight due to the lack of exercise and bad nutrition. The latter is also a result of trying to eat fast and comfort food. This, too, contributes to the bad feeling in various ways: lower self-esteem, less stamina and poorer concentration due to less oxygen entering the brain. We should get back in shape ASAP, but when is P exactly? Next year?

On a happier note: I can listen to "Fitter Happier" with only a negligible amount of clouding in my eyes. Yay. A few months ago it used to shatter me to pieces.